I noticed this pattern for the past couple of months. Some people scroll/swipe their phone’s home screen often — with no purpose or no intention. It's just out of habit. Like the phone replaces some kind of fidget toy. Like that, I am frequently fiddling with Medium (app on my phone).
Mostly to check the notifications.
So far my frequency of checking the notification never let me see a notification count beyond a single digit point.
This slightly kind of gave me a high. For a certain time.
Not only to check the notification. I have this habit of seeing my home page (of Medium) to see who is writing on what. Usually, I check close to two dozen familiar author’s content and some new content from new authors.
It looked perfectly normal. I thought it was my strategy — to get the vibe (trend) of the community. So that I can follow it — to my success.
Just recently I came to the odd awareness of this pattern. Checking Medium daily — But not for reading the stories.
Why am I constantly checking the notifications on Medium?
Why am I opening Medium — especially when I am not in the mood to read?
I should confess. It was a Fear of Missing Out (FOMO).
The answer is YES and NO.
I compared myself to the other writers. That led me to two feelings/attitudes. Competitiveness and Jealousy.
Jealousy is bad. Obviously. When I see a successful story, I wish to see the same kind of reception to my stories. I wish to have the same number of huge followers count next to my name.
Sometimes when I read a wonderful point in a story, I was hating myself for not putting that ‘witty idea’ in my story.
Obviously, I was not enjoying the story. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the story and the author's effort. I still admire them.
But some part of me is always comparing my performance with theirs.
I have to learn to distance my ‘creator’ persona when I consume.
If you get inspired by a good creation and you create something from it, then that’s good.
Can you imagine how bad things will go if you try to create only beat your competition?
So far I have never done that. I won’t. That is the actual pressure. You want to create something like you read, but you can’t. Because you don’t want to be a thief who steals ideas.
(Yeah I am the one who always advocates for stealing ideas with the quote “There are no new messages, only new messengers”)
This is a new kind of performance anxiety that I completely failed and was helpless to explain clearly in words.
Why do I have this performance anxiety?
I found that whenever I write (frequently) and publish frequently I was affected very little to none by this phenomenon.
If you are busy creating and have no time to compare yourself with others, — it is a good feeling. A feeling of progress and peace.
I stopped writing frequently. and reading the articles of the same niche I am writing. Then — I have the same feeling of peace.
I stopped checking the performance of my stories (views, claps, and how much I earned in MPP). I kept my peace well.
Whenever I am not looking at the results of my work (and other’s work), then whatever I do in Medium is pure peace-giving, inspiring, and enjoyable.
I am NO saint. This is not philosophical. I shared this just to let other writers know, who are on the same page as mine in the past.
Stop allowing yourself to get high based on the performance of your stories.
Stats and metrics are feedback. Use it only as a feedback.
This understanding gave me very intense peace of mind.
